Devouring Time
by pandorabox82
Summary: When one of Erin's close friends dies, she is ready to give up sobriety due to the intense guilt she feels. Will Penelope be able to be the rock that she needs and keep her from falling headlong into oblivion?
1. Chapter 1

Erin tugged at her blouse, feeling awkward and uncomfortable as she stepped into the visitation room. She hadn't planned on spending a Thursday night at a funeral home and then a Friday morning at a funeral. But he was dead. And she was feeling such intense guilt about her own feelings.

After signing the guest book, she got in line to visit with his widow, Patricia. There was no one she knew in the room, and that was both a blessing and a curse. While passing the time in line, she looked at the pictures affixed to green boards. Seeing Ken so happy with his children, his grandchildren, made her heart ache all the more at his untimely passing. And then, she was nearing the casket, could look at his small frame being swallowed by the fabric of the lining, and she struggled to keep from crying. This was not about her, after all, it was about his family.

"Thank you for coming," Patricia said as she hugged Erin softly. Erin couldn't help but return the hug, rubbing her back a few times. "Isn't he handsome, my dear husband?" She reached out her hand and rested it on the edge of the casket as Erin let her own hand drift down her arm to clasp her other hand tightly. "You will be there tomorrow, right?"

Patricia looked at her, her eyes bright with tears, and Erin nodded. "Of course, Patricia."

"Good. Thank you. This is Ken's sister," she replied off-handedly, turning to the next person in line. They made polite small talk for a few moments and then Erin slipped off to look at more pictures, trying to get ahold of her emotions. And then, the cravings hit, hard. Looking around, she caught Patricia's eye and nodded, giving her a soft smile before walking out the door. Getting behind the wheel of her car, she gripped the wheel tightly, breathing in deeply through her nose.

Starting the car, she drove aimlessly for a few minutes, finally coming to a stop in front of loud, gaudy, bar. No one would recognize her here, and she could just claim that she had remained on the path of sobriety. No one needed to know that the intense guilt she was feeling was causing her to seriously rethink eight months sober. Not even her break up with Dave had created this feeling in her, and she just had to make it go away.

She parked in the first open space that she found and quickly made her way inside. Erin went right up to the bar and smiled at the bartender. He nodded at her and, after finishing a few drinks, ambled up to her. "What can I get you, darling?"

She bristled a little at the familiarity, but still smiled back. "I'd like a Pink Lady, please, with an extra twist of grenadine." He nodded and quickly whipped up her drink, handing it over. She picked up the glass and smelt the delicious scent of gin, her mouth watering with desire. Turning around, she scoped out the room, finding an empty booth and sliding in. Erin was just about to take that first sip when she heard a soft gasp.

"Chief Strauss?" Startled, she looked up into the chocolate brown eyes of one very concerned Penelope Garcia. "Is that non-alcoholic?"

Erin shrugged. "I don't think it really matters at this point, Ms. Garcia. Please, have a seat and join me in my debauchery." She put the glass back up to her lips and took that first sip of alcohol, relishing the feel it made pouring down her throat. And then that woman had the gall, the temerity, to knock the glass from her hand, sending it crashing to the floor.

"I'm not going to let you do that to yourself, not after you worked so hard to change your life, to turn things around." Penelope's cheeks were red with anger and Erin found herself mesmerized by the look she was getting, unable to tear her eyes away. "If you won't care about yourself enough not to do this, I will. We're getting out of here."

And then, she was grabbing hold of her wrist and tugging her out of the booth. Erin tried to pull away, but found she had little strength to do so. Bowing her head, she followed meekly after Penelope, feeling her heart shatter a little more. "I just wanted to forget the guilt," she whispered as they approached the other woman's car.

"Well, alcohol won't help with that," she replied tartly, opening the passenger door and strong-arming her inside. "Is your car here?"

"Of course it is, I didn't walk here."

"There's no need to be petulant. I'll have Anderson come and drop it off at my place." Penelope closed the door forcefully and then got behind the wheel, turning it on before rummaging through her purse and pulling out her cellphone. "Hi, Anderson, this is Garcia. I need your help with a little project to be kept solely between us and Gina. I need you to pick up Chief Strauss's car and drop it off at my place. It's in the parking lot of the Dancing Queen. Yes, that bar. No, I don't think that she did know it was _that_ kind of bar. And no, it is not funny. Can you do this for me, please?" She let out a deep sigh of relief. "Thank you. You know where all the spare keys are kept, hers is number twelve."

Hanging up, she thrust the phone and purse at Erin. "What am I supposed to do with this?"

"Make yourself useful and hold onto them until we get home. Or, you could put the phone in my purse." Erin nodded and slipped the phone inside the purse before turning to look out at the scenery that passed by. The night was alive with stars and she felt the pale light burn her soul. The first sob that tore from her throat was soft, like a whisper, but they grew with intensity as the drive wore on. "We're almost home, Erin."

She nodded absently, not really caring anymore what happened to her. Her cries hadn't lessened by the time Penelope pulled into a tiny parking lot. After stopping the car, she got out and came over to Erin's side and helped her out of the vehicle. Together, they walked up to her apartment, and in that small space of time, Erin became very used to Penelope rubbing her back. The comforting touch did little to assuage her guilt, however, and she struggled to stop crying so hard. "Just…"

"Just what, honey?"

The endearment sounded wrong to her ears, and she turned her head to look at the woman. "I'm no one's honey, not anymore. I gave up that right long ago."

"No one ever gives that up. No one should ever think that they don't deserve to be called pet names. Especially when they're hurting." The door to the apartment opened and they stumbled inside. As the door closed, she broke free of Penelope's embrace and went over to the sofa, curling up in a ball on the end of it.

Erin felt the sofa dip a little as Penelope sat next to her, resting her hand on her knee. "Please, don't touch me. I just want to be left alone with my guilt and sorrow."

"What do you have to be guilty for?" the woman asked gently, not removing her hand. The warmth bled into her skin and Erin relished the feeling, much though she did not want to.

"There is so much in my life…"

"Then begin with the reason why you were going to break your sobriety tonight. I'm not counting that one sip, since I was too slow to slap it from your hand."

Erin was just about to open her mouth when there came a knock at the door. Penelope stood and went outside, apparently to talk to whoever it was. She took a deep breath, wondering how much more the young woman would hate her after she told her why she felt so guilty. But there was no helping it, really. She wanted to know. And Erin knew she had to tell someone, even if that someone was her coworker.

Penelope rejoined her and set her keys on the coffee table, next to their purses. "Anderson parked your car next to mine, so you'll be able to find it tomorrow." Erin nodded and uncurled her body, slipping off her heels. "Now, before you tell me what's up, would you like anything to drink?"

"Water would be nice." Penelope nodded and went into the kitchen. Erin listened to the water turn on and splash into glasses. When the woman returned, she held out a gorgeous cut crystal goblet and Erin couldn't help but smile. "So fancy."

"Yes, well, you can always pretend it's the harder stuff this way."

She nodded and took a sip before clutching the stem. "So, you're going to hate me even more after I tell you this story. I'm not a nice person, but you know that already. I can only imagine the stories that David has told you all about our failed relationship. And what Alex has told you about me."

"Rossi hasn't told us any tales, other than that he wishes things had turned out differently between the two of you." Penelope hesitantly reached out, rubbing her shoulder. "And I tend to drown Alex out. I'm not too fond of her, I'm afraid."

Erin nodded. "So, a good friend lost her husband Monday morning."

"And why would you feel guilty about that? Did you sleep with him or something?"

She laughed a little, a mirthless, bitter, sound and shook her head. "No. We go to the same church, participate in the same small group. And I was the one who tried to persuade Ken to not have the surgery the first time he was diagnosed with lung cancer. He was waffling on the decision, since he loved Patricia so, but I told him to do what he thought would be best.

"And he agreed with me, up until he spoke with Pastor Tom. That changed everything. He came to church the following Sunday and told our class that he had decided to have the surgery to remove the lower lobe of his right lung."

"What happened?" she asked softly.

"I can only assume that Pastor Tom and Patricia talked him into having that surgery. He looked so defeated that Sunday, and all I wanted to do was tell him it would be okay if he changed his mind, if he didn't go through with the surgery. Instead, I said nothing."

She drew in a shaky breath and sipped at the water. Her stomach was knotting and cramping painfully and it seemed as if Penelope knew what she was feeling. She slid closer to her on the sofa, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "If you want, you can lean on me while you tell the rest of the story."

"It only gets worse from here on out, though." Erin rested her head on the woman's shoulder, finding herself craving the contact more than the alcohol in that moment. "Ken made it through that surgery okay, but he had a hard time coming out of the anesthesia. His recovery was slow, but the doctors declared him cancer free. It was such a blessing when he announced that in church." She paused once more, taking a deep breath. "And then, two months ago, everything changed."

"The cancer came back, didn't it?"  
She nodded. "Yes. It was partially his fault, since he refused to give up his pipe."

"And you never said anything about that, since you had alcohol in your life."

Erin wondered if she had taken some profiling classes, or if she had just picked it up from her teams. "Yes. He knew about my vice, I knew about his, and we covered for each other. I'm sure he wished more than once that he had the strength to do what Morgan and Aaron did for me. Or that I would do something similar. But we were both so damned stubborn and bullheaded."

Once more, tears began to clog her eyes and she realized she had no free hand to wipe them away. Penelope was there, a tissue in her free hand that she used to dab at those damnable tears. "We tend to gravitate to those who are like us."

"I know. And so, once more, I told him to do what he wanted. He was in constant pain, not enough to complain about, he said, but a dull ache in his chest. He would have been happy with pain management and spending the last of his time with his grandchildren and so I encouraged him to take that route. Not Patricia or Pastor Tom, though. They got to him once more and convinced him to have the lung removed. He never made it out of the hospital."

"And what about that makes you feel guilty? You tried to convince a friend to do what was right for him, even if it would hurt his wife. You were thinking about him at a time when they could only focus on her. What's the harm in that?"

"Judging her," she replied softly. "I've been judging her so harshly since he went in for the surgery. Well, her and Pastor Tom, but mainly her. I've been a completely selfish bitch, blaming everything on her, when she just wanted the man she loved to get better. She honestly thought that this would cure him."

"Did you tell her that you felt this way?"

"No, which makes it worse. I was just silently condemning her in my heart. I would never tell her how I felt, since it would hurt her so, and she doesn't need that on top of what she's going through."

"That does not make you a horrible person, Erin. We all judge people based on our life experiences. And it sounds like Ken was a good friend of yours. I know that I've judged you based on how you treated my friends up until your stint in rehab. And yeah, I did treat you differently. I'm ashamed that I did so, since you seem like a more complex person than I ever took you for. I only saw you as a caricature, not as a real person."

Erin looked up into Penelope's eyes, and saw no condemnation there, like she'd expected. Instead, there was just a gentle concern that tore at her heart. "But I feel awful, Penelope. I shouldn't have been so judgmental. I should have supported her in her hour of need. That makes me a horrible person."

"Oh, Sugar Plum, no, it doesn't. A horrible person would not feel guilt about their judgment. The fact that you do means you have a tender heart buried in that chest of yours and by feeling so strongly, you just make that heart all the more tender."

_Again, with the pet names_, Erin thought as she closed her eyes, unable to look at the sweet caring any longer. "Ken's funeral is tomorrow. I promised Patricia that I would go."

"Then it is a good thing I stopped you from getting blitzed. You'd be no good at the funeral hung over, and you know that, Sugar Plum." And then, Penelope leaned forward and kissed her gently. It was the furthest thing from a sexual kiss and Erin relished how tender it was. "I'm going with you, to make sure nothing else causes you to want to tumble off the wagon headlong into oblivion. You mean too much to too many people to let that happen."

Erin nodded slowly, willing herself to let Penelope take control. She'd been in control for so long, that it felt good to lay that burden down. "I suppose that means you're going to keep me here overnight?"

"You read my mind. I hope you had supper already, though, since I ate before I went to the bar. Did you know what kind of establishment you stepped into this evening?"

She shook her head, curling back up into the sofa. "No. Why?"

"It's one of the higher class gay bars in Quantico."

"Oh." Erin paused a beat, trying to work out what she was implying. "_Oh_. Are you? I thought you were with Mr. Lynch again. Did I hear that wrong?"

Penelope giggled a little. "I swing both ways. Double the pleasure, double the fun, you know. But it's been years since I was with a woman. I just haven't found the right one yet. And Kevin, well, we tried round two, but I should have just left it alone." Erin nodded, trying to understand everything she was learning.

"I go to a really liberal church. We have a few gay families that go there." She had officially crossed over into the babbling portion of their conversation, and Penelope smiled crookedly at her.

"And that just proves you are an incredibly sweet woman at heart."

"I'm hell on heels, Penelope."

"And the devil wears Prada. Your point?" She shrugged. "So, you don't have clothes for bed or for tomorrow, so we're going to have to make something work from my closet." Penelope got up and tugged her to her feet, leading her over to the bedroom closet. "You'll want something dark, which limits us somewhat. Here's my funeral dress." She pulled out a prim looking black dress and set it on the bed. "Now, as for you, you're what, a size four?"

"Six, actually."

"All right, which means my current size fourteen shape is totally wrong for you. Well, I do have this navy dress, let's try it on and see what I can do with a decorative pin." Erin nodded and reached out her hand for the dress. "Just strip, Sugar Plum. You don't have anything that I don't have."

Her cheeks flushed as she looked around nervously. "Could I at least step behind your screen?"

Penelope nodded and she let out a relieved breath. Stepping behind the silk screen, she quickly stripped and then reached her hand over the top for the dress. Pulling it on over her head, she found it to be a nice length, even if it was large on her. "Are you ready to step out, Erin?"

"Yes." Coming out, she stood before Penelope, looking at the floor. "Do you think you can make this work?"

"I love fashion almost as much as I love hacking. This will be no problem." She held out a large jewelry box. "Now, is there anything here that catches your eye?"

Erin opened the box and looked at the assortment of pins. Instantly, her gaze was drawn to a long Celtic knot design pin. It was a soft silver color and as she picked it up, she could feel the heft that it had. "Would this work all right? It's so heavy. I wouldn't want to tear the fabric."

"This shouldn't be too heavy. Hand it over and then turn around." Erin did so and felt Penelope's hands pull the fabric of the dress tight against her body.

"Not that tight, Penelope. I need to look funeral apropos." The dress loosened a little and she nodded. Going over to the mirror, she saw that it looked fine from the front. Turning, she looked at her side and craned her neck to see her back. Vaguely, she could make out how Penelope had folded the fabric, making it look elegant. "This is perfect. Thank you."

"Well, I do have to make you look perfect, since I shanghaied you tonight. Now, let's get you out of this and into a nightie." Erin felt the dress loosen around her as Penelope removed the pin and then unzipped the dress. She gasped a little when Penelope unclasped her bra, too. "Don't worry, I'm not going to ravish you. It's just as easy for me to undo it while I'm so close. Now, I'm thinking you prefer pink or blush. Am I right?"

She nodded, not really sure what to say in response. Holding the neckline of the dress against her chest, she turned and watched the other woman dig through her dresser. It only took a moment for her to pull out two nightgowns, handing a light pink one to her. Erin stepped behind the screen once more and stepped out of the dress, placing it over the screen along with her bra, and pulling on the nightgown. Like the dress, the nightie was large on her frame, but short, barely longer than her fingertips. "Am I taking the sofa?" she asked softly as she rejoined Penelope in the room proper.

"No, you can take the bed. I'll be fine on the couch." Penelope's smile was sunny and Erin found herself smiling back. "Now, in the bathroom, you'll find a fresh toothbrush and feel free to use any of my toiletries."

Erin nodded and followed her over to the other door, stepping inside the bathroom. She quickly peed and then washed her hands before brushing her teeth and washing her makeup off her face. When she came out, Penelope was setting a blanket on the sofa and she looked up at her, smiling. "So, I think I'm going to go to sleep now. I need to put today from my mind."

"All right. What time do we need to get up tomorrow?"

"The funeral is at eleven, and I would like to be there by half past ten. I'm not too sure how many people will be there, since it is a weekday." Erin felt tears prickle her eyes once more and Penelope came up to her side, reaching out for her hand. "I'm going to be fine."

"In time." She squeezed her hand lightly before going back to the sofa. "I'll set the alarm for six, so we both can take a shower."

"Thank you." Erin turned to the bed and climbed in, pulling the covers up around her shoulders as she snuggled into the soft mattress. The lights came down and she willed herself to sleep, to not focus on her guilt. It seemed useless and as she tried to pray, she began to sob once more, wishing Alan or Dave were with her, holding her, comforting her.

She wasn't surprised to feel the bed dip minutes later, or to find Penelope's arm around her waist, holding her close. "Do you want me to stay?"

"Yes," she whispered, not turning around to face the woman. "Please, stay."

"I'm right here." Erin gave into her sobs once more, letting Penelope rub her stomach softly. The gentle touches lulled her to sleep finally, and she welcomed the darkness.


	2. Chapter 2

The morning came much too quickly, and an annoyingly chipper alarm pulled Erin from her slumber. Reaching out, she tried to hit the snooze button on her clock, but her hand met soft, giving, flesh instead. Her eyes flew open as the events of yesterday came rushing back to her.

"Mmm, good morning, Erin. Do you want to shower first?" Penelope asked as she stretched.

"I suppose I could. If you wouldn't mind running down to my car and grabbing my go bag from the trunk. While I don't have funeral clothes there, I do have fresh panties." Penelope nodded and then leaned over, pecking her cheek seemingly without thinking.

As the woman left the room, Erin stood and went into the bathroom. She stripped quickly, and turned the shower on, stepping under the warm stream. Moaning with pleasure, she washed her body using the products Penelope had. It was a relaxing time spent under the water and she began to feel much more in control than last night.

Knowing that she had to save some hot water for the other woman, she reluctantly turned the shower off and shook the excess water from her body before getting out of the shower. She saw that Penelope had laid out her bra and panties along with a robe. Erin smiled as she pulled on her underwear and then the robe, stepping out of the bathroom and joining Penelope in the living room. "Are you finished in there?"

"For the moment. I thought we could eat breakfast before getting ready. I wouldn't want to spill on your dress." The other woman nodded and picked up a bundle of clothes from the coffee table.

"I'll see you in a little bit, Sugar Plum." She winked at Erin before sashaying off, and Erin felt her heart jump a little. Deciding that the best way to distract herself and be useful was to make breakfast, she went into the kitchen and began to look through the cupboards and refrigerator. There wasn't much there, but she could make it work.

It didn't take long for her to have a good breakfast going, and she listened for Penelope to come and join her. Soon, padding feet were coming up behind her and she turned to look at her. She was also dressed in a bathrobe, a gentle smile on her face. "I have the bacon and toast warming in the oven. Is there anything else that you'd like?"

"Not that I can think of. Sit down, so that I can serve you. It's the least I can do after you made breakfast." Erin sat and watched Penelope flit about the room, plating up their food. Once more, she found it so easy to let Penelope take control, take the lead, and she sighed. "What is it?"

"I'm letting you take care of me. I don't normally just cast all my burdens on someone else. I am thoroughly content being self-sufficient."

"And that hasn't gotten you very far, has it? Not to be rude, Sugar Plum, but you had a pretty big drinking problem and couldn't ask for help from anyone."

Erin nodded, even though she was a little hurt by the words she spoke. Penelope seemed to notice the tiny shift in her mood and reached out for her hand, squeezing it gently. "Being a lone wolf has become sort of easy over the years. Alan gave up on our marriage once our third child was born, and my body changed. I didn't go back to the perfect size two I was before."

"You wouldn't look good as a two. I'm sorry, but you look great right now as a six." Penelope smiled shyly at her and she nodded, not sure how to reply. They finished eating and she helped Penelope with the dishes before going into the living room. "Would you like me to do your nails or anything before we go? I notice you don't really wear nail polish, but…"

"That might be nice. Nothing too loud, though." Penelope nodded and disappeared into her room, bringing out an entire makeup kit. "I thought you were just going to do my nails."

"Well, since I'm already giving you a manicure, I might as well do the whole package." Her smile was sweet and Erin found herself nodding, despite feeling overwhelmed by her kindness. "Now, I know you prefer pastels, and I'm going to try and keep that the same, since you don't want a drastic change at a funeral." Penelope sat down next to her, her leg touching Erin's.

She nodded a little, wondering if she was up for something like this. "Thank you, Penelope."

"You're welcome. Now, turn a little and face me." Erin did as told, looking at the woman. There was only sweet concern in her eyes, as if the only thing she wanted in the world was to make her feel better. She closed her eyes, willing herself to relax. "Now, tell me a little more about Patricia. Does she have any children?"

"Yes, she and Ken had two children of their own, a boy and a girl. Ken also had two children, both girls, from a previous marriage. There was some tension there, I understand, and they really only have contact with their son, Erik."

"How sad. Do you think that this will bring them closer to each other?"

"I hope so. God, I miss my children." She felt Penelope's hand still on her face before cupping her cheek, running her thumb back and forth. "Alan got custody, of course, since my job and my addiction make me an unfit parent. Ken and Patricia knew how much that broke my heart, and they tried to comfort me."

"Then they have been wonderful friends to you, Erin." She felt Penelope's breath wash over her and instinctively puckered her lips, welcoming the kiss. The kiss lingered sweetly, and she let her hand come to rest on Penelope's hip. "Now, let's get you into that dress."

She nodded and followed Penelope into the bedroom. Picking up the dress, Erin stepped behind the screen once more, slipping the robe off her shoulders and stepping into the dress. She came out and stood before Penelope, her heart beating a strange tattoo in her chest. "I'm ready for you to work your magic on me," she whispered, not meeting her eyes.

"Only if you're sure," she replied as she stepped behind her and quickly folded the fabric as she had last night. After affixing the pin, she let her hand linger on the small of her back, and Erin relished the warmth it provided. "I'm going to get ready and then put our lipstick on." She nodded as Penelope hugged her from behind.

She didn't feel comfortable staying with Penelope as she changed, so she went out to the living room, pulling her phone out of her purse and checking her email. There was nothing important, and she sighed as she put it away. She had been hoping to see something from David, but knew that he was busy what with working on his latest book along with work. "When will I ever learn?" she murmured as she looked at her nails. Penelope had chosen a pale pink color that complimented the navy dress.

"Learn what, Sugar Plum?"

"Anything. I've been a fool for so many years." Penelope pursed her lips as she looked at Erin, sitting down next to her.

"We're all fools at some point in our lives, Erin." She reached out and clasped her hand, rubbing her thumb along the back of it. "So, I assume there's going to be a luncheon after the funeral. Were you planning on staying for that?"

"I would like to, if you have the time."

"Hotch gave me the day off, so we're good there. But where's your head and heart at? Do you need a friend to spend the rest of the weekend with you?" That sweet concern was back in her voice and Erin looked up at her.

"My heart hurts and I'm confused. But you do not want to spend a weekend babysitting me."

"Maybe I do." The shy smile on Penelope's face grew a little, and Erin found her own face turn up in a soft smile. "So, what do you say? After the funeral, we could stop at the grocery store and pick up some ice cream and other junk food and have a total girl's weekend."

She sighed, somehow knowing that this was a losing battle. "Fine." Penelope nodded and then pulled out a tube of lipstick. "What color did you pick out for me?"

"Santorini. It's a little pinker than you normally wear, but I think it will be perfect." She nodded and let Penelope apply the lipstick. Looking up at the clock, she saw that it was ten o'clock already and gasped slightly. "I know, it's getting a little late. Just let me put on my own lipstick and then we can head out."

Erin nodded and sat back on the sofa. Taking a deep breath, she tried to relax, but felt the anxiousness creep back into her body. Cravings filled her once more and she clasped her hands tightly over her stomach so that she wouldn't bite her nails. Penelope noticed and put away her lipstick, standing up and holding her hand out. Erin accepted it, standing as well. "It's now or never."

"Yes, it is." Penelope squeezed the hand she held, leading her out of the apartment. On the way downstairs, they didn't let go of each other's hands, and Erin was beginning to grow accustomed to how wonderful it felt to have a friend who cared. "You're going to be fine, Erin. I promise."

She nodded as they got in the car. Erin gave careful directions to the church, feeling her stomach churn and clench more and more the closer they got. At one point, Penelope reached out and squeezed her hand, as if she knew what she was feeling. She was grateful for the contact, since it grounded her a little, relaxing the knots a tiny bit.

The parking lot of her church was barely half full, and this upset her immensely. Ken had been well liked, and while she hadn't expected everyone to show up, she had thought there would be a better representation of the church there. Penelope parked beneath one of the few shade trees that lined the outer edge of the parking lot and she got out of the car, not waiting for her friend. It didn't matter, though, since she caught up to her quickly, grabbing hold of her hand as they walked into the church.

Erin had seen many funerals inside her church, but this one was different, so different. Ken's coffin looked out of place sitting in the narthex and she looked around for Patricia. Their eyes met across the room, and Erin shivered a little at the raw grief present in her gaze. "Remember, you love her. A friend wouldn't keep their judgment silent if they didn't love the other person," Penelope whispered in her ear and she nodded absently.

It took everything in her to approach Patricia. Penelope stayed by her side, something she was grateful for, and she reached out for the other woman's hand. Patricia surprised her by once more hugging her tightly, instead, and she returned the embrace, letting the woman sob on her shoulder. "I miss him, Erin."

"I know you do, Patricia. And that's okay." The woman nodded against her shoulder and Erin rubbed her back softly, giving her time to regain control.

It took her granddaughter, Molly, to break them apart. "Gramma, Mr. Pedersen said it's time to meet for prayer." They both looked down at the four year old, and Patricia sighed deeply.

"I'll see you at the luncheon?" Erin nodded. "Good."

She watched them go down the hall before turning to Penelope. "I suppose it's time we find a seat." Penelope just bobbed her head once before grabbing her hand once more. An usher handed them the leaflet as they sat in the middle of the sanctuary. They sat in the middle of the pew and she looked over the leaflet to see that they were singing two hymns during the service. Mary was playing softly, and Erin hummed along with the songs she knew, her breath catching at 'Be Still My Soul'. Penelope reached over and picked up her hand, threading their fingers together.

"I'm right here, Erin," she murmured as she rubbed her thumb softly against the back of her hand. She nodded hesitantly, latching onto the motions as a way to focus herself on something other than what was happening. A few minutes passed and then she heard the sound of wheels coming down the center aisle. This caused her to start crying once more, and Penelope scooted closer to her, leaving the barest hint of space between them.

She tried to stay strong as Patricia and the rest of the family filed up the aisle, but it was just too much. She turned her face into Penelope's shoulder, letting the other woman dig a tissue out of her purse and wipe her face clean of tears and mascara. The service began and after a short prayer from Pastor Martin, they stood and sang the first hymn, 'Amazing Grace'. Somehow, she made it through all five verses, her voice catching and breaking at spots.

They sat after the hymn and this time, she was the one who latched onto Penelope's hand, needing the contact. Her mind raced to find some balance while Patricia's nephew spoke, and then Patricia's family got up and sang. It was gorgeous, but tinged with sorrow, and Erin keenly felt their sadness. Before Pastor Martin came up to give the sermon, Patricia's brother led them in the final song, 'Precious Lord, Take My Hand'. This time, she couldn't make it through the song, and Penelope gently rubbed her back as the hymn finished.

The sermon passed by her in a blur, and then the pall bearers were carrying the casket out. She couldn't meet Alan's eyes, though she knew he looked over at her as he went down the aisle, but she knew he wondered at who was by her side. Things had remained so awkward between them after the divorce and her stint in rehab.

Once the family was out the doors, an usher from the funeral home began to let them out by pew. When he got to them, she stood and led Penelope out by the hand. In the narthex, she brought Penelope over to an out of the way alcove and watched as the others trooped across the street to the cemetery. "Are you going over to the graveside service?"

"I don't think that I can, Penelope." Her heart ached to not be over there with Patricia, though, and Penelope seemed to pick up on her indecision and she gently guided Erin to follow after the others, ensconcing her in the group as they crossed the street and made their way to the open, waiting grave. The yawning hole made her dizzy and she staggered a little, letting her friend steady her.

Patricia glanced up from her chair and they locked eyes once more. Erin nodded, and a tiny, sad, smile flickered across the woman's face as she reached out for her son's hand. Pastor Martin said a short speech once everyone had gathered as carnations were passed out to those gathered. When the bunch came to her, she pulled out a blood red one before passing the rest on.

Penelope clasped her hand as they approached the casket, and Erin shuddered a little as she rested the flower on top. Penelope followed her lead and when they turned to head back to the church for the luncheon, she found herself bumping into Patricia. "I, I didn't want to go back with my family. Would you mind if I hid out with you and your friend for a little bit?"

"Of course you can, Sugar. I'm Penelope Garcia, by the way."

Patricia extended her hand. "Patricia Higgins." Penelope shook her hand gently before Patricia pulled it away to hold on to Erin's free hand. "I think I'm to blame, Erin. I talked Pastor Martin into telling Ken he should have the second surgery. I knew he didn't want it." Fresh tears rolled down her cheeks and Erin felt hers well up in response.

As they walked, she found herself being led into one of the quiet groves in the land that surrounded the church. They took a seat on the stone bench underneath the large oak tree and Patricia nestled closely to her. They were silent, Erin absently rubbing her arm as Patricia sniffled at times. After a few minutes, Molly came around to find them, sitting at her grandmother's feet. "Do you want me to get you anything to eat?" she asked sweetly, smiling up at them.

"That would be nice, sweetheart. Have your mother make up plates for the three of us, okay?" Molly nodded and stood up, kissing Patricia's cheek before running off into the church. "I haven't been able to eat much since Ken went into the hospital."

"I don't blame you. When Alan left me, I couldn't eat for weeks. I know it's not the same, Patti, but in some small way, I understand." It was the closest she could come to admitting her guilt, but Patricia took no notice of the regret in her voice, instead she rested her head on Erin's shoulder, sighing deeply.

"I knew you would, Erin. You're the only one who would." The words were whispered so softly that Erin had to strain to hear her. "I think I'm not going to small group for a month or so. You all are my best friends, and yet…"

"You want to be alone." Penelope's voice was soft and full of sadness. "When my parents passed, I felt much the same way. Be careful that you don't let it carry on for too long. You begin to lose perspective really fast. You're lucky that you have a tight-knit group of friends who want to be there for you."

Erin squeezed Penelope's hand and smiled a little when she felt the woman squeeze back. "Your parents?"

"Yeah. Eighteen is never a good age to lose your foundation. Everyone was leaving for the start of their lives, and there was no one left to help me pick up the pieces." Erin encircled her arm around Penelope's waist and drew her closer. A few minutes later, Molly and her mother joined them. Erica was carrying a tray containing plates of food and coffee, and she smiled gently as she took a seat on the ground in front of them, not spilling a single drop.

"Molly said you needed food, Mom. We miss you in there." She handed around the plates and Erin focused on the food. It was typical Baptist funeral fare, and she dug into the baked beans, knowing that Earla had made them from scratch.

"I needed some time with just Erin, and her friend. She doesn't make me talk. Erica, tell Eric that I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Not being in there. It is selfish of me."

"Mom, you need to do whatever will help you heal." Erica set her hand on Patricia's knee. "I'm going to take Molly inside now and leave you three be."

After they'd left, Erin sighed, picking at her food. From the corner of her eye, she watched Patricia do much the same with hers. "I miss smelling the smoke of his pipe. I hated that damned thing, it gave him that horrid disease, and yet, I miss it so much."

"The little things are what hurt the most," Erin replied. They finished eating in silence and then she gathered up all of their plates, setting them on the ground beneath the bench. Then she slid onto the grass and stared up into the sky, watching the clouds drift by. "I still smell Alan in the closet, when I pull out a shirt I haven't worn in some time. It's starting to sting a little less." She closed her eyes and let the tears flow down her face.

She felt someone join her and instinctively cuddled close to the warm body next to her. "I'm going to bring our plates inside, Erin. I'll see you Sunday?"

Opening her eyes, she looked up at Patricia. "I'll be here. I love you."

"I love you, too." The woman moved off, heading for the church. Erin turned her head to look at Penelope, taking in the way she watched her.

"I think Patricia thinks we're more than friends."

"I think we may have been giving off signals that would tell her it was true." Erin sighed. "Look, I…" Penelope cut her words off with a soft kiss and she smiled against the woman's lips.

"I know. You're not certain if you're into women. I move quickly. You're grieving. I can help with that and keep you sober." Penelope reached up and ran her thumb along her cheekbone. "Just, give us a chance?"

Erin rested her head on Penelope's shoulder as she thought about where her life was headed. If she did decide to be with Penelope, there would be a lot of raised eyebrows, from Alan, to her children, to Dave, to the rest of Penelope's team. And a relationship would open herself up to vulnerabilities that she had had a hard time working through with Dave. And yet the hope that shone in Penelope's eyes prodded her to agree with the woman. "A chance, huh?"

"Just one, tiny, insignificant, chance. Like that ABBA song, you know? We can go dancing, walking, whatever, we just have to take that small leap into the unknown." The smile on her lips sent Erin's heart thumping in her chest as she found herself nodding.

"Yes, I'll take a chance on us." Erin had to look away from Penelope at that moment, feeling so very exposed. "I have just one thing to ask of you, though. Dave and I fell right into a physical relationship. I've had several casual sex relationships in my youth. I'm fifty, now, and I want something a little different this go round. Do you mind waiting for that?"

She held her breath, almost certain that this would be a deal-breaker for the other woman. And then she felt those soft lips caressing her forehead. "I do not mind at all, Erin." She helped her to sit up and they stared at each other for the longest time. Finally Erin sighed and stood, holding her hand out to Penelope. Hand in hand, they walked out to the car and she settled back into the passenger seat, content to listen to Penelope chatter on.


End file.
